Meet Raven

With over two decades of experience in the study of Love and healing, Raven can now become your personal mentor or teacher as you journey deep into your own process of Growing Big in Love.

My Story

I did not follow a traditional path to become a healer facilitator, teacher, speaker, and author. Because of this I have decided to tell my own story here. It feels like the most authentic way to show you how and why I am qualified to write Growing Big In Love. It’s a long story. It is filled with Love, an incredible amount of pain, and the passion to learn why I am alive, which has driven me all of my life.

From a child’s point of view, my parents provided me and my younger brother with an amazingly abundant life. We always had nice clothes, a warm, clean house, and amazing food, which equated to every kind of sweet you could imagine (with a little healthy food here and there). We also always lived in nice neighborhoods and attended good schools.

I was a headstrong, high energy child, and physically adept. I taught myself how to ride a bicycle at the age of two and a half and was given my first bike at three. At five, I could roller skate faster than any child my age and even faster than anyone who was riding a bike in the neighborhood. Left on my own, I would play for hours with matchbox cars and Popsicle sticks, building towns and racetracks, and building all kinds of contraptions with an erector set. If there was snow I would spend a whole day sledding.

Both of my parents were raised in very rough conditions. My mother was the baby of her family. She was born thirteen years after her youngest sister. Since her mother was a single mom in her forties, she was raised mostly by her brother and two sisters who didn’t treat her very well. My father had a twin sister. His father was involved with the KKK. He was mean and rough, he beat his wife, and was controlling in every way. The methods of discipline my parents learned and used to raise my brother and me were harsh and painful. My mother would talk to me with an attitude of disdain. When I was old enough to think about these things, I came to believe that she just didn’t like me (even though she Loved me). No matter what I did, I felt like it was never good enough. Inevitably, I would do something wrong, so I got a spanking almost every day from ages two through five. If she felt what I did was bad enough, she would forgo the spanking until my father came home. Then she would tell him what I did, and he would beat me mercilessly. When my father beat me, he would go into a rage and he would hit me so hard it would give me welts and bruises. Over the course of my childhood, I was beaten with belts, bolo paddles, and switches. If nothing else was available, he would use his hands and they would leave welts all over my butt and legs. One time, he was using a bolo paddle on me, and it broke into tiny pieces the first time he hit me, so he kept hitting me with his hand. Then he got even madder at me because it hurt his hand.

I remember when I was three, my father was beating me so badly I thought, “How could anyone beat a child like this for anything?” Even at that young age, I knew that my father was doing the only thing he knew to do. Quite often, when my father was through beating me, I would feel this feeling of euphoria come over me. I’d think, “Oh my God, it’s over, oh my God!” I remember having this feeling that I relate to now as being or feeling cleansed. But the beatings were for something like walking through a mud puddle with my clean clothes, or not playing fairly with my brother, or doing something I was told not to do. I was just being a child. My mom stopped spanking me when I was eight and my dad stopped when I was fourteen.

I had no chemistry with my mother. She never played with me even though I wished she would. She told me a number of times that it wasn’t a mother’s job to play with her children. She took care of my other needs well. She clothed me, helped me with my homework, celebrated all the holidays in style, but I had a hard time appreciating the care because of the constant static between us.

I had really good chemistry with my dad though, despite the beatings. When my dad was not in a rage, he was a fun, easygoing man who Loved to play. We would wrestle and he would tickle me. We Loved to fish and camp and go boating. We would ski, both water and snow skiing. We would play catch, Frisbee, and Ping-Pong. I Loved my dad and felt the Love he had for me. He taught me how to play chess, and I finally beat him when I was thirty-one. Almost everybody Loved my dad, and the only time he ever expressed his rage was when my brother or I would do something he thought was wrong.

My mom used to make us go to church almost every Sunday. When I was nine, we were attending a Baptist church in which the minister was a young carpenter. I liked him. One day, he was preaching about how Jesus had died for all of us to save us from our sins, and he asked if there was anyone who would like to come forward to be saved by Jesus. The sermon had touched my heart so deeply that I was moved to go forward. As soon as the minister laid his hand on my head and pronounced the words, “You are saved!” my heart was instantly filled with the glory of God. I felt like the heavens opened up and poured the Love of God right into my very soul. I had never felt anything like it. I was radiant! I felt the light and Love of God pouring out of me. The Love was overwhelming. It changed my life!

To my mother’s embarrassment, I became a little holy roller. From that day forward when I was in church, I could be heard yelling, “Praise the Lord,” and, “Amen,” with all the other men. With my allowance money, I bought five hundred little books that had thirty-one Bible verses in them, and I passed them all out to the children in my school. I was so moved to share the Love I had found. In the beginning of the next school year, one of the boys who had been in my class the year before came up to me and thanked me for giving him the little book. Because of that book and my enthusiasm, he had attended the summer bible school. He told me that he was saved, and I could see in his eyes that he had a similar experience as me. That touched me deeply.

The Love I felt from the experience of being saved moved me to want to know more. I started reading the Bible all the time. I had my mom take me to Bible study classes at the church. However, within about a year and a half, I started becoming very upset and disenchanted with the church. People kept teaching different things about the same verses in the Bible, and that was very confusing. I could not get straight answers about how there were two different stories of Jesus’s birth in the Bible—which one is right? They could not answer my questions about how the whole universe could be created in seven days, and if Jesus arose from the dead, why did he leave us? I stopped going to church.   

When I was fourteen, I drank my first beer. It tasted terrible, so I just drank it down all at once. Fifteen minutes later, I was completely inebriated. I was laughing so hard my stomach ached. I felt so good and thought, “You can get this in a can? Wow!” I was instantly addicted. That day was the beginning of several years that I spent on drugs. I Loved drugs. Did I say I Loved drugs? I Llllooooovvvvvveeeeeddddd drugs! To me drugs were a playground for the soul. For the next five years, I tried every kind of drug that I could find. Except for heroin and opium, I experienced almost every kind of drug you can think of. My favorites were cigarettes, beer, acid, all kinds of speed, and the last two years I did cocaine. I dealt drugs from ages sixteen to nineteen and supported myself on the sales for the last two years, selling mostly coke and acid. I only sold to users though. I was not a pusher, and it was a fun way to live right up until it wasn’t.

In the last year I did drugs, my coke dealer and good friend learned how to make crack and became addicted to it. Within a year, he ruined his life. Crack was the weirdest drug I ever used. You would smoke it, get this really amazing rush for about two minutes, and then for the next three to four hours you would obsess on how to get your next hit. That was it! It was like a sickness, it was so addicting.

The last year of my drug days became frustrating and boring. I was nineteen then. My dealer was going crazy on crack. He was hearing voices all the time and sleeping with a gun under his pillow. He was over two hundred thousand dollars in debt. I had coke customers who would spend their whole paychecks on coke, and they had children at home. I became very disenchanted with the whole scene and one day, I just quit. In the next six months I lost every friend I had, except for my first wife, and that was because she was pregnant with our first baby. More about this later. First, let me back up a bit.

When I turned sixteen, I received my driver’s license the day of my birthday and three months later had put 25,000 miles on the little Volkswagen beetle my dad had given me for my birthday. I Loved to drive and explore. I had also become quite popular at school and had about six girlfriends all at the same time and was making Love to most of them off and on. I also graduated in my Junior year of high school by taking a GED equivalency test. My father got transferred to San Diego for his job, and I convinced him to let me stay where I was in Alameda, California. I told him that I would support myself. He agreed, and I became the happiest 16-year-old on the planet. I was free!

I Froze to Death

When I was seventeen, I decided to become a pot farmer. My best friend Paul and I planned a pot-planting journey into the most desolate wilderness in California, and we left in the last week in April. It was a mountainous region where there were no roads for twenty-five square miles. Long story short, it started snowing on the second night and in the next twenty-four hours it snowed over eight feet.

We had no winter gear. We did our best to get back to civilization but were forced to travel over the mountain, off our map. We made it over the top around five that evening, but we were literally freezing to death. We crawled into our sleeping bags and said good-bye to each other. My body was cramping everywhere from the cold, and the pain was unbearable. I decided that cutting my throat would be much less painful, and then right before I did it, I died.

It was amazing! I was moving into the light, feeling more Love than I had ever felt. It was exquisitely beautiful, powerful, and peaceful, and then, as I was about to enter the light... BOOM... I was back in my body feeling as warm as I could possibly be. I stood up and looked around. The blizzard was raging, and I couldn’t even see fifty feet, but I was warm through and through, including my fingers and toes. “I guess I am not supposed to die yet!” I exclaimed.

I had what is called a near death experience. Whatever it was, I was so grateful and awed!

Two days later we were back at our home with frostbitten feet, but we were alive. I lost fifteen pounds in those four days. And my feet would be forever painfully cold during the wintertime.

When I was nineteen, my wife-to-be became pregnant, so I had to start working for a house painter to support us. Drugs had been my source of happiness for the past five years and since I did not have the pleasure of doing them anymore, I needed to know why I was alive. What am I supposed to be doing here, and why? I started reading books. The series of the Seth Materials by Jane Roberts touched me deeply, especially the book called The Nature of Personal Reality that explained to me about how our lives are lived through the nature of beliefs. 1 I did not know it then but understanding how beliefs worked would become my life’s work. Since I did not have any friends, I also started looking for a community that I could become a part of, and within a few months I found Hitesh. He was a Tantric Master from India, and he became my guru and a friend, of sorts.

He never charged us for his weekly classes that he had at his home in the next town. He taught a small group of people and one of the men in that group and I became his most devoted students. He taught us about the Eight Paths of Yoga and the philosophy of the Tantras. He taught us that it was an honor for the communities in India to support the yogis in their hermitages. He taught us about the way he had learned the path of the hermits and how he was trying to teach us in a similar fashion but redesigning the teachings to accommodate our lives as family householders.

Many of the things he taught us did not work so well. The hermits’ goal was to cleanse their bodies of Karma by meditating for hours and hours in order to achieve Samadhi, a permanent state of bliss and ecstasy. They would do that by trying to achieve a pure spirit by not paying attention to any sexual desires, and by refraining from taking any kind of mind-altering substance, or making money, or having intimate relationships. You can see how difficult it is to adhere to these restrictions and live in the real world.

Meditation was very beneficial for me at first. I had a lot of amazing experiences while meditating, and Hitesh’s knowledge of how life worked was like nothing I had ever learned before. He taught us about our spiritual bodies and how they worked. He assured us if we worked hard we would eventually be able to see our own spiritual bodies and possibly other people’s as well. If we worked really hard, he said we would be able to obtain Samadhi. Samadhi was supposed to be a powerful state of Love that never goes away, and that is what I wanted. I wanted to obtain and live in that state with all my heart and soul. I was driven to attain Samadhi.

As the classes advanced, I discovered that I had a gift of making complicated things easy for other people to understand. Hitesh had a very strong Indian accent, and there were many times in class when he would try to explain things to some of the students when they couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell them. I would explain what he was saying to them in different ways, making it possible for them to understand the concepts easily. I enjoyed this so much that I decided to dedicate my life to becoming a teacher. This became a great benefit to me because after that I would learn things more completely so that I could teach them later. Whenever Hitesh asked us to do something, I would double or triple the time and the repetition of doing it to ensure that I learned it thoroughly.

One evening, instead of Hitesh teaching his usual class, he prophesied about what was going to come to the Earth in the future. He had never done that before. He told us that there had been a number of times when two Christs came to the Earth at the same time, and then he named who they were and when they had been here. Three pairs of the Christs had shown up at the beginning of different ages, John the Baptist and Jesus being one pair. He said that this time, for the new age that was coming, there were going to be four Christs at the same time. I asked him if those positions were taken or if a person could become one of the Christs. He told me he would tell me the next week.

At the beginning of the next week, he told me that the positions were open to whomever could attain them. I decided right there that I was going to be one of them, but over the next few days, fear set in. Who was I to think that I could do such a thing? I knew that I was very ignorant in so many ways. I had not been formally trained or educated. But a verse that Jesus said in the Bible kept echoing in the back of my mind, “You can do anything I have done and more!” And after the third day, I confirmed my resolve that I was going to be one of the Christs. After all, if I did everything I could find to do and didn’t make it, I would still be a better person for it.

When I first started meditating, I had many incredible experiences. One day I went really deep into my meditation. Fifteen minutes into it a blast of wind hit my house and shook the whole house. I went outside after I was finished, and there was no wind at all that day.

One evening, when I was starting one of my hour-long meditations, I arose out of my body and hovered about a half mile above it. I could feel everything including the Earth below me as if it was part of me. I could feel where Hitesh was and what he was doing a town away. I could feel one of the other students another town away and feel exactly what he was doing. Everything was so brilliant and colorful and bright. I felt so much Love. I thought I had achieved Samadhi, but through talking with Hitesh I found out it was only an out-of-body experience. It was amazing!

By the third year of learning from Hitesh, I realized that he had an understanding of how the mind worked that was very different than what was known by the rest of the world—it was simpler, easier to understand, and useful. I asked him if I could write it down and compile the information so that we could teach it as a whole concept. He agreed, and after writing it all down, I found that it was not complete. There were parts of my experience that were not explained in his explanations. I approached him twice and asked him if there was more to it. Both times he confessed that he believed it was complete. I did not agree, and I continued to ponder what I felt was incomplete.

Hitesh taught us a way we could use our energy to heal people. We would focus on moving our life energy through our hearts and out our hands and into a person’s body wherever they were hurting. Also, as a result of the amount of meditating I did, I developed the gift of being clairsentient. In other words, I could feel other people’s pain, so I became really good at finding other people’s pain and energizing their pain in order to relieve it in a short amount of time. I used this technique on a number of people.

One of my brother’s friends had had stomach pain for most of his life. He was seventeen at the time. I laid my hands on him and felt the energy pour into him. In less than a minute, it was done. The boy looked at me like a miracle had just happened. Not only did his pain go away, but two years later I saw him again and it had never come back. I also healed one of my best friend’s headaches one morning. Again, he looked at me like I had just created a miracle. He had been getting these headaches ever since getting badly hurt. A week later, he got another headache and asked me to try it again, but the healing was only mildly effective. The next time, it hardly worked at all.

I did hands-on healing with many people and I discovered that sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. Some people would ask for repetitive healings instead of trying to help themselves. After about a year of being frustrated by not being successful all the time and annoyed with people becoming dependent on the healings, I vowed to find a better way to help people heal and stopped using the technique.

I Became a Father

When I was twenty, my wife and I had our first child. We had him at home, and I got to catch him as he was born. What a miracle to experience! But being a father at twenty was very challenging. Sleep deprivation was intense and difficult. The hard labor of painting day after day sleep-deprived while still keeping my meditation practice going was exhausting. I discovered my rage.

I had never gone into a rage in my entire life. My father and brother did it all the time when I was being raised, but because of my father’s beatings, I had never allowed myself to lose control over my anger. I did not want to hurt myself or anyone else. But one night my six-month-old baby would not stop crying no matter what we did, and for the first time in my life, the rage took over (or I let the rage take over). I pulled his diaper down and spanked him for crying.

When I was done, I wanted to kill myself. I could not believe what I had just done. I felt like I was a monster. My wife was furious with me. I felt so guilty, so ashamed. I hated myself!

We had two more children in the next three years, both of them born at home, and I had the honor of catching them, too. I struggled with my rage all the time. My pattern was that if any of my children did anything I thought was wrong, I would go into a rage and would yell at them and spank them. Then I would hate myself and feel so ashamed. It took me ten years to learn how to discipline my children without getting angry and hitting them.

The wonderful thing was that I Loved being a dad. I Loved playing with my children. When my oldest was seven, I put the T.V. into the closet and it stayed there for a long time. We would play tag and street hockey and soccer all the time. I was a soccer coach and referee and had three children on three different traveling soccer teams one year. We would go camping, boogie boarding, skiing, cliff jumping and inner tubing down rivers all the time. We had so much fun.

One morning, during the winter of my twenty-third year, I had gotten up at five to meditate for an hour before I started my busy day. I was tired and a little exhausted from burning the candle at both ends for days on end, and I had an epiphany—I am just sitting here doing nothing when I have so much to do. Two hours a day of meditating on top of all my other responsibilities was not going to work for me anymore.

I stopped going to meet with Hitesh every week, and I started reading voraciously. If I was going to become a Christ, I had to know why I was alive and what I was supposed to do with my life. I found that when you read good books, you get the best information the author has to give you in the most efficient way. It was a great way to learn. By the time I was twenty-six, I had read hundreds of books about philosophy, spirituality, and religion.

Almost every spiritual book I read that originated from the East was based on people meditating and focused on the heart center and above in an attempt to purge themselves from carnal and material desire. The yogis would meditate for many hours a day, for years in their hermitages, and they would obtain some form of enlightenment, but when they came down off the mountain, they would quickly fall into their old patterns of living. These would include sexual desires and actions, and the need to manifest money so they could live within society. They would lose their enlightenment that quickly.

Of course, there were some who were able to retain their enlightenment, like Yogananda and Sri Chinmoy, and I am sure there were many more, but most did not. I enjoyed having a family and being a part of society, so how could I live my life without sex or manifesting money? By yogi standards, I was unclean, doing it wrong, and creating Karma for myself. The yogi life was anti-communal. There was almost nothing about the hermit kind of life that was conducive to being a family man or a functioning person within society.

Plus, I found guru after guru that was not living or teaching in integrity. They were men and women that would have their students and devotees put them on a pedestal, and some even demanded that their students worship them. This shut the door for me to any Eastern religions or philosophies that used hermitage or gurus. I was in my early thirties when I came to these conclusions.

I Dreamed I Am Going to Be a Christ

When I was twenty-six, I had a living dream. I dreamt that I was one of the four Christs. I was with one of the other three, and he and I were walking towards this massive coliseum, following thousands of people who were rushing to get in. Everyone was so excited, and the energy around the place was electric. I could feel the other two Christs on the other side of the coliseum doing the same as we were. When we got to where the people were crowding into the gates, all four of us levitated over the people’s heads and moved towards the coliseum. We each split up, ducked under the doors, and flew through the inner halls above all the people’s heads. We each entered the tremendously huge auditorium from four different directions at the same time, me coming from the East. We hovered over the circular stage in the center and then gently touched down onto the stage. The people went absolutely bonkers! The screaming was ecstatic. It felt like the place was going to come apart! I was just about to speak when I woke up.

I was so elated. I was so excited. I had another waking dream when I was twenty-eight and another one when I was thirty-two, both of them ensuring me that I would be one of the Christs. I can’t tell you how much these dreams affected my life. The idea that I would be one of the four gave me the power to endure so much pain (you’ll read about this part shortly). And through the endurance, I learned that a person can do almost anything that he needs to do regardless of how much pain he is in.

Years of growing in Love and healing most of my pain have shown me that I do not think the New Age is going to have four Christs. I think we are moving towards a new kind of enlightenment, one in which each person that takes up the call, will become happier, healthier and more intelligent than we have ever seen before.

I do not know what it will be called or how it will manifest, but it feels really amazing and is exciting to think about.

When I was twenty-six, I met with Hitesh and I told him that I had mastered meditating. I could wake up and keep my thinking mind quiet almost all day long. It was very peaceful in some ways, when I wasn’t arguing with my wife or disciplining my children because then of course I would lose my peace. He told me that I was ready to use an advanced tool, which I called generating. When generating, I would use my willpower to generate more energy into my body than an average person experiences. He assured me that generating would help me achieve Samadhi faster. As soon as he told me about generating, I knew that it was going to become one of the keys to change the world.

By the time I was twenty-seven, I had mastered generating. I would wake up generating, generate all day long, and go to sleep generating. When I was twenty-eight, I started developing this constant pain in the back of my neck. I went to Hitesh and asked him about it. He said he would look into it. A week later he called and told me that the pain was the result of me burning through my Karma. This was very exciting to me. It just gave me the inspiration to generate more and more intensely.

I Almost Burned to Death

I started teaching weekly classes when I was twenty-eight. My first class was with three women and lasted six months. My second class was with fifteen people. At twenty-nine, I was teaching how to grow in Love and commune with God, (two words my guru never used), with the techniques of total relaxation and meditation. My second class was progressing very well. In six months, my students were ready to learn how to generate. Two days before I was to teach them, I accidentally created a firebomb at work. I was spraying a volatile primer throughout the house and I forgot to shut off the pilot light in the heater. When I opened the heater door to spray the back of the door, the primer ignited, and the house went up like a bomb. I was wearing a paper suit and became a fireball.

The experience was literally hell!

The fire burned thirty-three percent of my upper body. When I arrived at the emergency room, most of my burns were considered second degree burns except for my arms. The skin on my arms was hanging in strips. I was helicoptered to U.C. Davis in Sacramento to the burn ward. When I arrived, my burns had become third degree. Because the fire did not char my skin, I never lost feeling and the pain almost killed me three times in the next seven days.

Two skin graft operations, which were more painful than the burns, and sixteen days later, I was home learning to manage pain. At seven months, I started going to school to learn how to become a computer-aided draftsman. But after a few months of school, I decided I liked painting better and I have been painting ever since

Also, from the fire experience, I promised myself that I would never teach again until I found out how it was possible for someone like me to have something so terrible happen to them. At that point, I was one of the most Loving, kind, hard-working people I knew, and I felt so hurt, so betrayed by God.

After a year and a half, I started generating again and was soon up to generating all day every day. But my pain continued to get worse. It wasn’t just the back of my neck anymore. It started showing up in many different ways.

In the next eight years, I had mental and physical exhaustion, lymphatic cancer, my first hernia, and a six-week bout of mononucleosis that was so bad, I could only work two hours a day.

Too Much Pain

By the time I was thirty-eight, I felt like I was almost brain dead. I had very little short-term memory. My wife and I had joined a multi-level marketing business that had a wonderful education program and many meetings to attend. My memory was so bad my wife would have to stand right next to me to tell me the names of the people that came to talk with me. I couldn’t remember a person’s name for more than thirty seconds. I was in so much pain all the time that I could not meditate or generate.

One day I was listening to Anthony Robbins’ 30 Days to Abundance cassette tapes. On the seventh day, he taught about the power of a Loving Smile. In that moment, I came to understand that all those years I had been generating with my heart closed. I hadn’t been burning Karma; I was literally making pain for myself. I had filled my life with more pain than any human should have to endure.

People have asked me, what do you mean you generated with your heart closed? How could that create pain for yourself? If you understand Love Reversals, then you can see how a person could easily believe they are doing the right thing when they are doing something angrily and they feel justified. What I was doing since I learned generating was concentrating on making my body as energized as I could, every moment of every day, not realizing my heart was closed the whole time. I believed I could do it and if I did, I would be healing my Karma. I was so serious about this. I wanted to attain Samadhi with all my heart and soul. Well, serious is not an open heart condition. If a person is serious and they are not smiling, they are making pain for themselves. I had ignorantly and innocently mastered making pain for myself. I had seriously intensified all of my unloving beliefs and Love Reversals. I had almost generated myself to death.

I finally figured out why the fire experience happened to me. I had generated so much unloving energy, from ages twenty-seven to twenty-nine, that the fire literally cleansed me. And while I was listening to Tony talk about the happy, Loving Smile, I realized that the only way I was going to be able to heal myself was to smile my way back to health. So, for the next twenty-five years, I endured. I was exhausted all the time. I had twenty-seven migraines that were so bad that I would throw up for hours. Every one of them, except for the last three, was at the pain level of 7 and 8 and two of them were a 9. I had one experience in which my pain went up to a 10 several times a day off and on for three weeks and the pain was centered in my heart, but I did not die. The only reason I did not throw myself in front of a truck was because I felt like God needed someone to experience that much pain and not die (the Christ thing). So I just endured it and it felt like it was burning my soul.

After that I had pain move at random throughout my body all the time for the next twenty years.

I Learned How to Talk with Goddess God

My first marriage ended in divorce when I was thirty-two. Then, four or five months later, I met a woman who I thought was going to be my mate. A couple of weeks after we met, I was sitting in her living room meditating. She came in, sat on the other side of the room, and started using a pendulum. She looked up at me and asked, “Do you mind if I use this?”

I said, “Use what?”

She said, “This is a pendulum. I use it to talk to God.”

“Sure! Go for it!” 

As I watched her, and using my clairsentient abilities, I could tell that she was indeed communicating with the Source or God or it felt like God. She told me that she asked questions, and if the pendulum turned clockwise, it meant, “yes” and if it turned counterclockwise, it meant “no.” So, on that day, July 15, 1992, I learned to talk with God.

I became a pendulum junky. I asked questions about everything, all the time, every day. I immediately learned that you could get wrong answers, and eventually learned that to get true answers you needed to have your heart wide open, to be in a state of Love. Within two weeks I had discovered the two missing parts of the map of the mind, one part being Love Reversals. The other was that the Ego was not a separate part of the mind that was separate from Goddess God, which I had been taught. The Ego was simply the part of Goddess God that identifies as me. I also learned to use Tarot cards. I liked the pendulum because I could get instant answers and I liked the Tarot cards because I could get answers that I would not have thought of myself. Within a couple of years, I realized that I was receiving the information in my head before the pendulum moved. Eventually, I did not need the pendulum at all. For a long time, I used the tarot cards here and there because sometimes I needed information that I couldn’t think of myself.

My relationship with Goddess God has changed many times as I have become bigger and wiser in Love. I usually refer to the parts of Goddess God I communicate with as my Guides because it makes people feel more comfortable to hear that.

I Became a Father Again

At the end of my thirty-second year, I met my second wife. (This of course was after I met the lady I thought was going to be my soul mate, who was not.) We fell in Love and married a year after the day we met. She was wonderful with my three children, but she really wanted her own baby so we made a deal: She would be a stay-at-home mom until my children finished high school, and then we would have our own child together. She was a best friend to each of my kids as they went through their teens, and then, when she was forty-two and I was forty-three, my fourth child and third son was born. He was eighteen years younger than his youngest brother, so two weeks after he was born, my third child left the house and I became a dad all over again.

Two years later, I divorced his mother. On the sixth day after I moved out, I realized that almost everyone in my life was abusing me: my wife, brother, mother, father, and two close friends. I decided that I would not associate with anyone who abuses me ever again. I ended my relationships with those people I just mentioned, and I made a deal with anyone who I became close to from there on: I told them that I would never argue with them, raise my voice, or yell at them, and I asked them to do the same for me. I also promised that if I ever got upset at them, I would take some time by myself to figure out why I was upset, and then I would talk to them about it peacefully. It worked fantastically. About a year and a half later my brother called up and said he missed me, so we entered into a friendly relationship and it has remained that way to this day. Same thing happened with my mother and father.    

It was so fun to be a part-time father to my son. It was so easy compared to raising my other three children. I had so much experience. I never raised my voice to him, argued with him, or hit him. He was one of my best friends. I never had to discipline him because we just had so much fun living together.

Having such a powerfully healthy relationship with him totally changed my understanding of what constitutes raising children in a healthy manner. There is never a need for discipline, when it is understood that raising children is an interactive Loving service. Ideally it takes a community to raise children so that everyone involved can find time and space to be on their own and feel what it feels like to be just themselves. There were some American Indian tribes that had a wonderful way of raising children in which each child became a child of the tribe, and many different people took care of their needs and education throughout each day.

My fourth child was born in 2002. I divorced my second wife in 2004.

In the year 2000, the Michael story happened. (You can read his story at the end of Chapter 3, The Benefits of Growing in Love More and More Every Day.) Soon after the Michael experience, which was a life changing experience, I did two things that brought great excitement to my life. I wrote my second book, A Path Of Truth (actually two books, one was a little thirty-three page booklet called Shine), and I started teaching again.

Because I wrote the books before I started teaching, the information in the books became obsolete soon after I started teaching because I developed different dialogue. The information in the books was a much rougher version of four of the now seven Love Tools that I teach now. I was so excited to be teaching; it was what I had lived my whole life to do!

The second thing was that my wife and I became active in a spiritually based church. Over the course of about three months, I shared Michael’s story and the Love tools with the minister, and he agreed to let me teach a class in his church. He gave me ten minutes to speak one Sunday morning to advertise my class, and from that ten-minute spot, fifty-four people signed up for my three-month series of classes. I was elated.

After two months of teaching, I still had fifty-two people coming to class. It was amazing. I was having so much fun. The students were having extraordinary experiences from the use of the Love tools, the church was making money, I was making money, and I was happier than I had ever been up to that point in my life.

On the Sunday morning after my eighth class, the minister brought me into his office and as I sat down, his face turned red with rage. He told me I could no longer teach at his church; I would have to take my classes elsewhere. I could see that he was terrified that I was going to take over his church. He did not admit this, but fear was surely his impetus for ending my classes.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was counting on his recommendation and that of the students to go and teach at other churches. This was my calling. This is what I had been living for. I was devastated.

Even though a handful of people came to the last four classes, held in a student’s home, and even though they all elected to keep going after the three months was up, I was still deeply upset.

I started getting depressed, and after about six months, I ended the classes. I had noticed that most of my students were having great success with the Love Tools for about three months, but then their lives would go back to the way they were before they started using the tools. I was getting to where I could not stay in Love myself. The tools did not retain their strength, so to speak. I did not fully understand about beliefs and Love Reversals at that time, and I had some very powerful unloving beliefs confusing me that I was not yet able to see in myself.

I would enter into very deep meditations by starting off with a wonderful smile, but as I went deeper and deeper into it, I could feel my smile just disappear into nothingness. When I followed the feelings inward, I would get more and more depressed because there were too many things in my outside world that were not Loving—wars all over the planet, the history and aftermath of Stalin and Hitler, atom bombs, hunger and famine and disease and filth, people not getting along, people always struggling to get ahead. Sometimes it was just too overwhelming to think about. How could a Loving God create a world where there was so, so much pain? This was my dilemma.

So, one day I went into a very, very deep meditation to search for the source of all of this pain. I had to know. I traveled back in time to where man started, and I felt what those primitive lives must have been like. Conquer, or be eaten! (Which is not a fun thing to have to do.) That’s what I found. It was very clear that all of our pain started from the beginnings of mammalian life on Earth, when life was based on animals eating animals. How gross can it get? How morbid. To imagine what it must feel like to be a rabbit and to feel yourself being torn apart by a pack of wolves. To have no defense, the terror, the horror of living such a death! Have you ever seen a shark eating its prey? It looks so scary when it smells blood and then grabs its prey and goes berserk! How could a Loving God create such an abomination, so many abominations?

I Was Hating God

What I found in that meditation was devastating for me. From that moment on I had a very hard time wanting to live here on this planet at all. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded that we must be living in Hell. Sure, there was Love here and there, but behind it all was death, bloody, gruesome, morbid death. Most of my adult life I had studied Love. I taught people how to know and move in Love, how to communicate with their Guides and God, and yet I myself could not understand how God could create a world that produced so much pain. I realized that

I was hating God.

I was hating God for many reasons. God was hurting the ones I Loved. God was hurting me. I realized that part of me had hated God for a long time. And I also had guilt for hating God. I could feel lifetimes of hatred in me. There were many times I felt that I was going crazy. Trying to live and Love amid so much pain, and underneath it all was the guilt. It was too much.

One day, (a couple of years after I had divorced my second wife), I was sharing my heart with my girlfriend, expressing my pain, my devastation, and my plans for leaving this planet. I had decided that I couldn’t live here anymore. She told me I should go see a man named John Hoyle, the creator of Voice Activated Integration (VAI), because she had heard that he was having great success in helping people with their deep pain. I took her advice and I went to see him. John and the VAI process changed my life, and literally saved my life. This is what happened in the second session with John.

Upon entering his office, I told him about my animals-eating-animals meditation and how much hatred I had towards God for creating such a screwed-up world and how it was driving me crazy to live here. He asked me if I was ready to open up to a different perspective about the animals. I asked, "You mean you know what to do?" and he said, "Yep!" He was so sure of himself I just went over to the table and lay down. I cleared my mind and said, "Okay, I’m ready."

"I want you to visualize yourself being a lion."

My first reaction was, "I’m a vegetarian and I can tell where this is going!" But I knew this was really important, so I decided to go with it and see what would happen.

I’ve always been really good at visualizing, so I started to enjoy the feelings of being a lion.

I was big, really big! I could feel my mane and the breeze blowing through it. I was lying on the ground panting. I stretched my paws and dug my claws into the Earth, feeling my muscles, my strength, and the power in my body. I could feel the sun warming my back. I was really enjoying this!

Then I heard John say, "You’re starting to get hungry. There’s a gazelle you can see through the grass."

I looked around and saw the gazelle. "Got it!" I exclaimed. I immediately started moving toward the gazelle. It was eating with its head down and didn’t see me coming. I was moving through the grass, closer and closer, and then the chase was on. I was amazed at how powerfully fast I was. I was almost on the gazelle and was just about to make my pounce when I heard John say, "Right before you hit the gazelle, become the gazelle!"

Instantly I became the gazelle, running and running and running for my life, my hooves beating the ground like crazy. I could hear and almost feel the lion behind me when suddenly I felt the massive claws grab my body and then

I         become         part         of         the         lion.

                        I became euphoric.

                                   There is no pain.

                                                There is no death.

                                                            Just BLISS!

I became part of the lion. It was God eating God!

            I wish you could enter my body and feel what it felt like. It was so Loving, God eating God!

It was AMAZING!

As soon as the lion grabbed me as the gazelle, I felt pure bliss as I felt myself becoming part of the lion. I did not die; I became part of the lion. It was so amazing! There was absolutely no pain. The moment the realization hit me I started to cry. And then I started to wail. I started releasing all of that hatred. Oh, my God!

It was all a misunderstanding!

There is no death!

It’s an illusion!

I was sobbing from the release of the realization of the hatred I had felt towards God that was now being replaced by compassion, relief, and gratitude. I was so relieved. I didn’t want to hate God. I hated hating God. I just wanted to Love.

I cried for a long time.

When I was finally able to compose myself, I looked up into John’s eyes. I swear he looked like an angel. He had just saved my life. This was the biggest, most powerful realization I have ever experienced.

There is no death.

It’s just an illusion.

After leaving John’s office, I gave myself a long time to let this experience permeate my body and mind. I just sat with it. There were tears of joy and relief. There were tears of sadness for all the hatred I had had toward God and the guilt that came with that. And there was a lot of excitement for the prospect of Loving—to be able to Love deeper than I ever had before. That was very exciting!

The next day, a boil appeared on the top of my right thigh. I had never seen a boil before. And oh, was it painful. By the second day it was so painful I was having trouble moving around. It was the release of all that hatred toward God, just coming out. It was disgusting.

On the fourth day, another boil appeared on my right butt cheek, right over the sit bone. This boil was so painful that I could barely move for two days. After the two days, I could hardly walk, and I couldn’t sit on my right side for over a week.

It took the boils a long time to go away. But the relief I felt did not go away. That experience changed my life forever. From that point on, I have inwardly known that if there’s something I don’t understand, the understanding will come in time. All I have to do is just keep Loving. Just keep growing. Just keep Loving. Just keep growing. And that is what has gotten me to where I am today.

(Since having the God eating God experience with John, I have read two other similar stories in Dr. Levine’s book In An Unspoken Voice. There are two stories that describe the same no-pain phenomenon of being bitten by a predator. In these stories, the men were taken down by a lion and a tiger, and both felt no pain throughout the whole experience—amazing! Also, the Love I felt when I became one with the Lion was very similar to the Love I felt when I froze to death and had the near-death experience.)

Since that experience, I have learned to trust Love. I have healed almost all of my unloving beliefs and habits. I have healed almost all of my Love Reversals and my life is amazing. If I am confronted with anything that I don’t understand, any experience that appears unloving, I just start Gliding (Gliding is the sixth Love Tool), and within moments clarity comes to me, and then understanding.

Learning and practicing VAI was a life-changing experience for me. I became John’s apprentice for a time, learned it well, and began using it with my clients. VAI was amazing. When it was being used, it was like watching a miracle happen. What John Hoyle discovered is that a client could be coached to use their own voice to access their deep pain and trauma, and as soon as they did, they could communicate with the trauma and unloving beliefs as if the beliefs were entities. This technique was much more effective and efficient than a therapist talking to a client. It was totally interactive, and the results were incredible.

Plus, I had this wonderful gift of being clairsentient, so I could feel my clients’ pain. I was also able to talk with my guides and I found that I could communicate with my clients’ guides as well. By using all my gifts together, I started learning about beliefs at a prodigious rate. I found that every unloving belief is not true. I found that if a client was too afraid to look into their pain, but they were willing to do their homework of growing in Love, they became bigger than their pain and then they were able to handle it. I found that behind every disease or painful health challenge I have worked with so far, was an unloving belief or a Love Reversal (which was usually a series of unloving beliefs instead of just one belief), and the habits created by those unloving beliefs were what was causing those diseases. Some diseases are caused by unloving habits, acting and reacting in unloving ways. So, I eventually developed the Love Healing Process and have had really incredible results with people using the process to heal their dis-eases and health challenges.  I must say here that I do not know if all diseases are caused by unloving beliefs and Love Reversals but to date, I have not found any person that had a disease that did not have a corresponding unloving habit that was behind it. From my experience, when people use the Love Healing Process to heal their diseases, they receive incredible results as you will be able to see through reading the ten testimonials in this book.

I also discovered that a lot of people’s pain was coming from past life experiences, and this is another place where VAI works incredibly well. Consider that many people have been born to parents who were not able to nurture them or, worse yet, created all sorts of atrocities that they then had to experience. People who were badly abused by their parents or guardians will invariably want to know why they were born into such painful situations, so tracking that pain to a past life to discover the answer was the only option. In general, discovering why brings clarity, relief, and peace, and also enables the person to release the pain they were holding. Working with so many clients like this has also given me the invaluable experience of learning how Karma works. Understanding how Karma works gives me an insight to what kinds of challenges my clients might be faced with. Also, the tension created by Karma, if understood, gives people the possibilities to develop some really incredible gifts. I will talk about this in detail in the chapter on Karma, but for now, I will give you one example.

If you study the history of spiritual teachers and gurus, you will find that one of the main reasons teachers and gurus fail in their attempts to teach their knowledge is that they become sexual with one of their students. I fell into this dishonor myself; therefore, I can relay to you how the Laws of Karma moved my life after the dishonor.

I had a client come to me who had a great deal of chronic pain in her life. She had tried literally over a hundred different healing modalities with almost no positive results at all. Within a couple of months of working with me, she gained some positive results and left with tools that would help her through her journey to heal. In ways, our lives were so parallel that it just seemed to make sense that we would be good mates for each other, so although I knew that it was against the rules of Karma, I also believed that the universe had brought her to me and that she might indeed be the mate I had been looking for. We decided to enter into a sexual relationship.

The Laws of Karma are very clear with this subject. If a teacher or guru comes across a student or client with whom they fall in Love, before they approach this person to enter into relationship, the student or client must complete their healing or series of classes first, without any romantic or sexual involvement. Then, after one year has passed and if the Love is still there, the teacher or guru can approach the student or client. I am not saying that this is a law that is written somewhere. I heard of this idea while attending a workshop about sexuality and intimacy and it just felt right to me. I have also heard similar boundaries as guidelines for professional therapist and counselors.

I did not wait. Looking back now it feels so ignorant, but we talked about this and then consciously entered into relationship. After a very short amount of time, we both realized that it was not going to work. For me, the next three years were the strangest three years of my life. My healing practice fell apart. I became invisible to women. If women did notice me, it was usually with disdain or contempt. The women who were attracted to me were not available. One woman and I did fall in Love, but she was married and Loved her husband, too, so our Love was not allowed to develop. Fortunately for me, I knew why my life was playing out like this. What I did not know was how long it was going to take to play out. Three years is a very long time to be alone. I knew I had crossed the Laws of Karma with my client, so the only thing I could do was make the best of it.

So, I made the best of it. What I learned was to Love myself. I learned how to take myself out on dates and to enjoy me. I learned to enjoy my connection with life, with the Earth. I learned to see myself as beautiful and I started working out to improve my strength and looks. And I learned how to live in integrity. I became an avid dancer and dancing became one of my sacred connections to life. I wrote Engage Love – A New Healing Paradigm (a year and a half long project), and I self-published it. And slowly but surely, people started trusting me again, and then I really did meet my mate.

Learning to Love myself has been invaluable, especially since I have met my mate. She and I have developed a rhythm of living and Loving together that is based on each of us Loving ourselves as well as each other. What we found is that when we’ve been together for four days in a row, we start becoming a “we” instead of a “me and my beloved.” Five or six days in a row together and we really start to need our alone time. We need time just to come back to ourselves. Just a couple of days living apart and Loving ourselves and we’re ready to come back together again, and our Love just keeps growing and growing. It continually blows our minds how much Love we feel for each other; it’s like we were made to go together.

I have found that this idea of needing to be alone (not completely alone, but just not with my beloved 24/7) is so healthy. As our relationship grew from the beginning, I found so many co-dependent beliefs and habits that I needed to heal so that I could be totally present as myself with her. As I healed those beliefs, I could see how so many problems that people across America and the world are experiencing are caused by people parenting and living in relationships in which they never take the time to get to know who they themselves are. Love Reversals make it seem like being together 24/7 is the Loving thing to do. But when anyone grows big in Love, they will find that they need time to be alone so that they can get to know themselves and just be with themselves and the Earth and their Guides.

Parents, children, siblings, lovers, mates—they all need time away from their Loved ones to discover Love for themselves. If they take that time, if they learn to Love themselves, then they will also learn to cherish the time they have with the ones they Love when they come back together. It is truly amazing and fulfilling!!! 

So, this is one of the things I learned from the tension provided by the enactment of the Laws of Karma when I created a transgression. Because I was open to what it had to teach me, I grew in Love, in wisdom, and in integrity. The Laws of Karma are created to do this for everyone. It is an ingenious system and an amazing way to grow.

In 2007, I was having so much success with helping people heal many different kinds of diseases and conditions, that I made a decision to find a person that had some form of cancer and have him move into my house with me so that I could work with him, to see if we could help him heal his cancer. If the healing process that I used could help people heal cancer, then that would be a great achievement.

A Man with AIDS

A man I’ll call Craig answered the call. He was a friend of a friend and we agreed that I would attempt to help him with no guarantees and for no charge. Craig came to me with a lot more than cancer. When I talked to him on the phone, he told me that he had AIDS, he had extreme psoriasis, and a place on his back that appeared after a bout with shingles and it seeped blood off and on.

Craig smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day, was very lonely, and dearly wanted a mate. Our agreement was that he would stop smoking before he came to me, but when he arrived, he was still smoking. He had left everything to come to me, so what could I do? It felt wrong to turn him away, so I let him move in. I worked with Craig for four months but was unable to help him heal. He refused to give up smoking, so I eventually had to send him on his way.

The experience of trying to help him taught me many things about the dynamics of a healer/patient relationship. I learned how past life experiences can affect people in their present-day experience and how people who are in a great deal of pain find it hard to help themselves change old habits without outside help. I also learned how important it is to have the support of a Loving, healthy community when helping people heal.

I also worked with two ladies with similar health issues. Both of them had suffered from depression. Both had taken medications for thirty years and wanted to wean themselves off their medications so they could be free of the depression and the constant side effects of the medications. I worked with them at separate times for three months. I was unable to help the first woman get off her medications because she was unable to take a month off of work needed to handle the withdrawal period.

I was able to help the second woman successfully get off her medications, but she was only able to stay off of them for one month. She had been depressed all of her adult life and she had almost no friends or community. I believe if I had had a Loving, healthy community for her to transition into, she would have been able to stay off of her medications. She just needed some people around her to support her in her new decisions about her life. I have found that there are many people in our world that cannot heal by themselves without this support. So now, one of our goals is to help people around the world connect with each other in order to support each other when they are going through challenging healing situations.

I have learned so much over the past twenty years. Now, I do not just use VAI and Love Time, one of the Love Tools you will learn about in Chapter 4, Love Time. I also teach people the importance of vigorous exercise and a good diet. I now understand the metaphysics of beliefs and Love Reversals so completely that I am able to recognize and help people find and heal their past trauma in a number of effective ways.

Personally, I just keep getting bigger and bigger in Love and healing the next thing I find to heal in myself.

SHARING

Goddess God is Love.

He is Love created,

She is Love creating

All that is,

The source.

I sat to meet with Goddess God.

I silenced my mind and opened my heart.

In a moment of time

I felt the eminence pour down upon me

All around me and from within me.

The forms unlimited

dwarfed me in this sea of life.

I felt as if I were smaller than an atom

being hugged from all around.

The Love

So much Love!

I could not believe how much was coming from inside!

I opened myself to take into my being all that I could.

I was filled to the brim in a heartbeat

Feeling myself radiant

with strength, with power,

with passion.

The beauty

beaming from the essence of my soul.

As I sat there in the aftermath of the meeting

I began to move my mind to those who are close to me.

Feeling the power and the Love

I yearned to share,

To serve,

To give of myself completely.

To Mother God, to Father,

I moved my opulent heart,

To my Love,

To my children,

To you.

If you put the principles shared in this book into action, in three to ten years you can be living heaven on Earth. All it takes is to dedicate thirty to forty minutes a day, four to five days a week processing and healing your unloving beliefs and habits. And mastering and using all the Love Tools at the same time. If you make Growing Big In Love your life journey, you will be one of the ones who help us step into the New Age. 

Back to top